Thoughtless Comments

We knew that adopting a child from another country would not always be easy. We had been warned that even a simple trip to the grocery could turn into 20 Questions with strangers in the grocery line. What we were not prepared for were the thoughtless questions and comments that would come from those closer to us. Most people have only the best intentions when asking us questions and I realize that not everyone knows the best way to phrase their questions. So we try not to be overly sensitive when others mention Cohen's "real mother" or focus on "how much we're paying." I found a website with comments from other adoptive families that I thought was helpful. Thought I would share just a little from this site.

"Our 19-month-old adopted daughter is from Asia and she doesn't look like us. We love her with all our hearts, as we do our biological son. Our problem is people who ask things like 'Is she really yours?' and 'What country did you get her from?' and, the real winner, 'How much did you pay for her?' I don't want this to happen when she gets older and understands what people are saying. What can I do to stop their rude questions?"

"Our daughter is Hispanic; my husband is a red-head and I'm a blonde. The truth is that I welcome questions because we're so grateful for the way God has blessed us by making us a family. Each time someone asks, it's an opportunity to share God's grace and mercy. Also, nine times out of ten, the persons asking are trying to adopt themselves and they want to be as prepared as possible. It used to really bother me when people would say things like, "Well, maybe when she grows up she won't be so dark." My husband had to point out to me that these were their awkward attempts to make US feel better about our lack of resemblance. We don't care about looking alike or not, but it seems to be something others think is important. God has not blessed everyone with a heart for adoption. Only those of us who have adopted truly understand the parent-child relationship that goes beyond genetics. We never shy away from questions because we don't want our daughter to ever think we're ashamed. Every adoptive parent is in some way an ambassador for adoption--even if it's uncomfortable. Just pray for an extra dose of God's mercy and grace before you respond to questions."
-- MrsJ

"I'm a Caucasian woman with a Caucasian husband, and we have two adopted children from China. We've gotten our fair share of remarks, but I see a big difference between people who are rude and people who are just don't know any better. In the latter case, I feel it's my job to do a little bit of educating. After all, if not me, who? If not now, when? So when people ask me how much I 'paid' for my daughters (and yes, I have been asked that question, many times), I simply explain that you don't pay for a child, but that there are governmental fees in both America and China. I think it's important for me to be a good role model for my daughters in how to deal with these intrusive questions politely and with dignity. They won't always have me around to answer for them, but the questions will be there."
— Lisa